The Wackerace Chronicles

Lest you thought they stopped talking

Cora, holding up a half-eaten piece of toast: What does this look like?

Jonas: Badger?

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Me: Tomorrow is Dr. Suess' bday; I heard everyone's wearing pajamas to school to celebrate. Sounds fun!

Jonas: I'm not really that kind of guy.

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Cora: Mom. The world is big. It's huuuuummonnngous! I can't lift it up. Neither can dad. Right??

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Jonas, at the conclusion of shark book #4000: And thank you to the Bull shark, for eating up all the dump and trash that goes into the ocean and starts killing off other fish.

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FYI: Cora rates a shoe's desirability by its "clompiness."

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Jonas: If a shark ate your ear, it would be eating itself, since they're both made of cartiledge.

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Cora, with a mouthful of Cheetos, holds up the bag & points to the tiger on the front: Look! They're made out of him! (Expressed with jubliation, not horror. Also, don't judge me for letting her eat cheetos.)

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Jonas' band name: The Nakeds
Cora's band name: The Banana Thief or Shake my Booty

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And finally, there is a huge missing Cora quote that cannot yet be documented because although it is indeed funny, it's not funny when it's your kid. Not yet, anyways. Oy veh.

The easy route

Cora: When I grow up, I'm going to be a mom. Because I'm a girl.

Me [east bay parenting alert!]: Not all women choose to have kids, you know. Just because you're a girl doesn't automatically mean you'll be a mom. It's a choice.

Jonas [ashen-faced, wide eyed, smoke drifting from ears]: What did you say?

Me (shit shit shit, why is he looking at me like that): Huh?

Jonas: What do you you mean it's a choice; having a baby?

At this point, Jonas is staring at me so intently that I can practically hear him thinking. And I can definitely hear his next question. The one that would come immediately after I said this:

"You have to make a baby."

And in that instant, in that loaded stare-off between me and my very nearly 6-year-old son, I punked out and dodged the question. I didn't want to deal with the inevitable "how?" that would come next.

I tell Jonas the truth as much as possible. If he asks, I answer as appropriately and honestly as I can. As such, we've covered death, God, war, poverty, murder, immigration, jail, gun control & the death penalty. And I wonder why he worries.

But apparently, sex is where I draw the line. Slavery? Sure. Nazis? Concentration camps? Covered them last week. Where do babies come from? I'll defer to Cora:

"They are in your stomach and then they EXPLODE out of your belly button and then there they are. Right, mom?"

Me: Pretty much.

 

Signs I'm losing the war

Cora went to bed in pj’s, monkey slippers, a wool hat & mittens. She said her name was “Christmas Steve.”

Jonas: Mom, don’t argue with me about this one.

Cora [holding a piece of thread]: Look! I have a baby snake. His name is Slimy, but he’s not even slimy, isn’t that funny? I call him slimy-head. I love him so much. His name is Slithery, actually.

Jonas [to Danny]: Do you really think I want to eat broccoli, dude?

And my final offering into the “I’m totally screwed over here” category:
Me: What are you thinking about, Jonas?
Jonas: That I’m right and you’re wrong.

Send help.

Bedtime

Me: Cora, you look so cozy, can I cuddle up with you?

Cora: Yes. And we won't be afraid. Because I will have you. And you will have me.

 

 

Masked freaks say the damndest things...

First off, you should know this about my kids:

Let's find out what's on their questionable minds, shall we?
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[Cora glaring at me with a grimacing crazy face]

Me: Really?

Cora: For real.

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I'm not really a Star Wars guy, but I'm a big fan of ninjas. (Jonas)

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Cora: Mom, I have a secret.

Me: What is it?

Cora: I can't tell you, there's a surprise inside of it.

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When I'm a grown-up, I'm going to say "damnit" all the time. (Cora)

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Good job on handling us today, mom. (Jonas)

Amen.

 

Top 5 Reasons I Stopped Blogging

In the words of Cora & Jonas, “what the heck?!”  Yes. It’s been so so so long that there’s no hope of catching up on all of the mayhem and seismic shifts over the last few months.  So how to start anew? Will you ever trust me again? (You shouldn’t.) However. In an effort to explain myself, I painstakingly studied my Facebook status updates over the last few months and have been able to draw a few conclusions about what’s been eating up all of my time. Without further ado, here are the top 5 reasons I haven’t been documenting my charming children for your reading pleasure.

Reason #1: Too much damn running. September marked my 14^th consecutive month of races. Thus far, I've run 1 full marathon, 4 half marathons, a handful of 12-16k's and five 10k’s. And in case you're one of the many who are justifiably irritated hearing about anything related to fitness, you'll be happy to hear I was attacked by a swarm of bees during my last race. 

Reason #2: I didn’t want you to see this:

Reason #3: Or this:

Reason #4: I had a lakation, a staycation, 2 trips to New York and a trip to Spain. Cry me a river, I know. And for the record, if I don't figure out a way to get to North Carolina to meet my new niece, Adelyn, I'm going to freak out.

Reason #5: Jonas started kindergarten, Cora started preschool, I started a new job & for the first time in 5 years, our nanny Sandra isn't there to offer reassurance and advice, tell me in laughing detail about Cora's latest escapade, or chase after me with my coffee. We're figuring out how to get it all done without her, but it ain't pretty.

Stay tuned for really exciting stuff, like my new hobbies: throwing away uneaten lunches, packing new lunches to throw away, illegal jaywalking to avoid tardy slips and reading books r-e-a-l-l-y slowly. Good times.

Goodnight Cora

Cora spends about 1 1/2 hours every night singing insane songs and fighting with her stuffed animals before she falls asleep. I generally know she's acutally going to bed when she throws some poor animal into the hall before slamming her door. We're thinking of changing her middle name from "Cleary" to "Drama." And while I usually stay out of this nightly Cora performance piece, tonight I couldn't resist checking in:

Me: Cora, go to sleep.

Cora [eyes wide, lisp heavy]: Mom, the sky changed color.

Me: I know.

Cora: It's amazing.

Me: yes, it is.

Cora: And I love your earrings. They're just, so...silver.

Me: Thanks.

Cora: When I'm a grown-up, I want holes.

Me: Go to sleep, cora.

Cora: You have earwax.

Me: Goodnight.

Fast forward

Yes it's my longest blog post lapse in history. Once again, I ask you, my 12 readers, to accept my apologies. I thought of you often during these lost weeks. But we can't live in the past, people, so let me bring you up to date. A summary since last post:

1. Jonas can't see. Like, at all. He now has glasses and a patch that he wears 6 hours a day to try to correct his extremely farisghted right eye. This vision revelation may help explain a second trip to the dentist for a second almost-knocked out tooth. Against all odds for a short kid with a missing front tooth, glasses, and a dirty red eye patch with a skateboarder on it, Jonas remains unaffected. The kids at preschool accept it completely. The kids who stop in the street to look at him, he probably can't see anyway. Once again, I have to register not just my love, but my complete respect for this kid.

2. Cora is a cat. Its name is Yellow and Jonas refuses to play with it.

So with that, you're as up-to-date to you're going to get. Brace yourself, because there's more to come, including discussions with Jonas about Native Americans, gun control, the death penalty and the meaning of life. I am not kidding. All said, these kids have my brain sweating and my heart aching.

Cora Wore It

Cora likes clothes. A lot. Just like her mother. And the fact of the matter is, I respect her for it - for her instinct to wear 2, nay, 3 skirts at a time to "make it bigger," or her complete confidence that a leopard-print bandana is exactly the right accessory for her cheetah-print jeans. I only wish I had the nerve, honestly. So yes, I may allow myself to live just a bit through Cora's clothing choices. I may enjoy her madness more than I should. But hell, clothing is a language and Cora's outfits speak volumes. Before peer pressure, trends and youthful insecurity take hold, I want to celebrate Cora and What She Wore. Thank God for little girls.

 

 

Three

 

roasted pork sandwiches :: strawberry cupcakes :: lais & pinatas :: DIY goodie bags :: 2 juice-box minimum :: stubborn kites :: good friends :: double grandma's & blue skies :: cora cleary is 3